on change

 

cork morning Cork in the early morning, in the in between before 7am.

I am not quite sure how well I handle change. In any case, I will soon find out as I prepare to return to university and move country. My general internal reaction to most things that worry or stress me out is to shut down. I have an inbuilt and somewhat shameful tendency to become sad and anxious as soon as I really have to do something.

Now, everything is tinged with the wild and dazzling vibrations of change. I will pack up my things and move and move again. And September – my favourite month – seems like the right time to do just that. But, it’s always disturbing to come face to face with with what has happened when a phase of your life comes to a close. I, for one, become consumed with regret because I did not take stock of life when I was experiencing it in the first place.

I think of all those really, really early mornings, in ice and cold, milky sunlight and those equally late nights that rolled into daytime. I wish I could have documented it all even when there was nothing really to say about it. And now, as life spins in a different direction, I am troubled that it slipped away without me even realising it. It is a terrible and universal truth that life only becomes tangible and actualised just as shifts.

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